"Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden" by TitianIt's the true "he said/she said" dilemma - negotiating between two spouses - who do we listen to, are they even listening to each other and how to create balance and get the most out of the client/designer relationship.
What about you? Have you ever snuck a little something in the back door???
Comments
Not too many men I know really need to give that input i think .
I would LOVE to be given full control and envy those women who have carte blanche, but my husband truly cares about how our house presents to his clients and friends. For his profession, it needs to be a little more hip than The pretty "Southern Accents" look I gravitate toward. My home is SO important to me, but "winning" a design argument is a hollow victory if it does not make him happy too.
In the end, I am so glad I married a man with whom I can have an intelligent conversation about art and design. It is a constant struggle and a constant challenge to get what we both want out of our home, but our house is more unique for it. His hipster friends may find a level of sophistication in what I add. My sorority sisters think we have cool taste because of what my husband brings to the table.
Great topic!
Seriously, I have a lot of husband /wife "teams", they fall in different groups, commonly I find woman more active in the decorating department, but most men want to be heard at least.
I usually now asked upfront about the partners input in it, since I had a situation very early in my practice where the wife selected happily, we ordered and a few days later everything went back to the shop to be returned after the husband vetoed...I had believed that she was in charge.
After a couple of weeks I had to stop. I never saw the guy, since he worked long hours and I felt extremly odd.
They had to managed on there own to find common ground first.
Now often I feel like a psycologist...
And I think it is importend to engage both partners, since it is the home for both( or all incl. children) and not right to make it dominant in one way or other. Like in a good marriage it is about compromise, give and take, often we devide, there are things importent to guys, usually to do with media, often kitchen (Joni, believe or not)bathrooms and the overall feel of the house and outdoor space. Details are often left to the woman. Sometimes I check back after my first consultation and we go over the general plans together. Unless one partner clearly states he/she is not interested to participate, I insist on having both at least ones at the table together. Often I feel the man are afraid of an unknown finacial strain and I am extremly cautious to stick to any given budget, but I am clear about what is realistic as well.
Honesty, trust and good communication are absolutly importent.
In todays world, where most of my clients both are well educated and working the money is not so much the subject, since they both contribute, but style is the issue.
As designer/decorator/architect we are mediators as well.
It was again fun to listen to you all!
XX
Victoria
My boyfriend is in Asia for the next three weeks and I just sent him this to listen to and told him it was important to take the time to do it- I cant wait to hear what he has to say.
Oh, and Joni you are my hero! I have been dreaming about my house since I was a little girl, not even as wedding like most, but how my house will look and how I will decorate it. You've given me the power to just do what I want, thank you!!
Can you believe it: I missed it on time, since I was working away from home and so occupied otherwise. Hurray, now I found it and your kind mention of my blog!
You must have thought, here she writes how to find readers and she is not even listening....
Thank you, you are the best!
XO
Victoria
i'm always fascinated by the gender / sex debates concerning stereotypical and archetypical issues in design and architecture...
i presented a dissertation on a similar topic for my honours degree...
fascinating read...
Not to blame Joni. I know she meant well and I wrongly thought her line of reasoning was worth a shot to get my way. Just a warning to women who have an "equal partner" at home. Now I am totally going to have to give in to some hideous italian leather sofa just to make up with him.
I'm curious with everyone why it's always such a black and white situation?? A man wanting input isn't dictating. Obviously - anytime one person is dictating a situation, there's a problem. But, I'd just like to stress that I'm all for input from both spouses - so long as it's constructive and open minded.
I was talking to my Mom about this and said I'd mentioned them in the podcast as my Dad was always highly involved. But, involved didn't mean dictating. They had similar tastes and he never brought something in without discussing it with her, and vice versa. His taste tended towards a darker palette than hers, but they both ultimately agreed. However, Megan's point that men will spend $$$ on out door things was so true of my Dad as well! He spent a fortune on the mailbox, lamp posts and a lovely little garden gate in their yard. And yes, his eyebrows were raised to the heavens at the price of window treatments. That said, he was always willing to spend on quality furniture. So, my personal experience is with the give and take of a relationship - no one person dictated the interiors.
Really - isn't a woman who insists she be the only one who makes interiors decisions a dictator as well?
I know, I know - I'm not actually married and my house is all about ME - so easy for me to say!! But, I will say that when I moved into my condo, my boyfiend at the time moved all my stuff in for me one day (I was at a family meeting regarding some medical issues of my Dad's). I was gone all day and he moved everything in from the garage after the new floors were in, he unpacked AND decorated with what I had. He made art projects and came up with creative vignettes. When I drove home after a long, weary day of dealing with serious issues, to have had someone take care of me by thoughtfully putting everything together was the nicest feeling. And, aside from rehanging the drapes I'd taken down from the previous owners (haha), everything was lovely and I would have easily taken his input were we to have eventually gotten married. He's Belgian (and we all know how fantastic Belgian design is!), so perhaps that's the difference, he was actually into it and cared about his environment, as opposed to many American men.
Anyway - a rambling addition to the podcast!
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and input - such great conversation!!!
I feel your pain. Go read my blog today. I right with you sister. soul sista. oy.
this happened to me after we recorded the skirted roundtable on Monday.
sorry it didn't work for you, but guess what, it didn't work for me either.
Joni
Design is the most intrusive profession. A designer knows what's in your messy closest. What is it like to fight in front of the designer you hired? I've had these fights. It not like fighting in private.
Part of the problem is the "love triangle" of design. One designer, one husband, one wife. 2 against 1 is not good for family harmony.
Our designer friend talks a lot about post project divorces. Often a project is a marriage's last stand, or last hope. Sometimes the strains push a working marriage over the edge. (Sometimes the wife falls for the contractor.) In any case big projects can be bad for families.
My strategy is have all of my ducks in a row and then talk about what needs to be done fairly regularly. Because I know when my husband says, "let's go look at sofas" that means we are buying a sofa. While my husband usually lets me make all of the design decisions he does like to at least be consulted before I do anything major. It's like some weird passive/aggressive thing with us, he has to approve and I have to have the final say. Weird, but it works.
Sincerely,Melanie